erin go bragh

i no longer exist. look, the pressure to be present on myspace and in real life is too great, so i am leaving the ole livejournal. besides, i am spending too much energy blogging instead of writing my stories and we both know which one is going to lead to lasting admiration in the literary community:

neither!

so suck it.

seriously all, it's been fun. tah and such. you know where to find me.

6:45 am - they started jackhammering outside my fucking door. as much as i hate the oc for all its head-up-its-ass ignorance about what the rest of the world goes through, at least they dont wake up all the rich, fat residents before 8 with construction - and even that is rare.

i do however notice a distinct lack of the fucking awful gas-powered leaf blowers that everyone felt the need to run at the crack of dawn out there....that's nice...

today went and worked out - first time all week - and afterward felt like riding bike around neighborhood. i love my neighborhood so much. there was a storm the other night and because we have trees coming out our asses, there are branches - whole big branches covered in bright green leaves - all over the streets. the other night, one such branch went through scott's rear windshield and shattered it completely. well, living in natural beauty has its ups and downs.... in orange coutny, they would have chopped all the trees down for offending mercedes benzes with droppings.

so anyway, after i got home and took a shower, i made myself a tuna melt and danced around and was cheerful. cheerful! i started to worry that i might be manic - the other day i could barely get out of bed i was so tired. then again, maybe it's just infrequent exercise that's to blame.

new experiment to see if i am bipolar or not:
will spend next two weeks doing at least 30 minutes of exercise a day: walking or biking around the neighborhood, work out at the gym, etc. and we'll see what my mood does. it's fun but exhausting having a different mood every damn day.

wish i could just enjoy feeling good and not worry if it means i am crazy. sigh, grin....

I've decided to speak entirely in italics today, except when I write. I will write in standard.
Have had a rocky two weeks - or maybe one week, I can't tell how long i am suffering. Days? Weeks? Years? Very anxiety-laden, for unknown reasons will likely hash out in therapy Thursday. Still get the inkling it is purely chemical - I can only tell because my sanity feels like an apple on top of a pin, which is wobbly at best - a stiff breeze would send me to the inpatient mental facility down the street. I am but mad when the wind blows north by northwest. And all that. If it's circumstantial I can usually control it and am fine the next day.

In Funny Fobias news, Bouncing ball phobia has relaxed considerably since moving to Austin, but has been heartily replaced by a pill phobia. I am afraid of even vitamins, let alone all those dubious herbal remedies people are always popping. Which frustrates me to no end when people say "oh you can totally alleviate your anxiety with Evening Primrose Oil or Eye of Newt or whatever -- and I'm thinking, "yes, or it could push me completely over the edge and I could disappear completely."

Thus the current conundrun: my dermatologist wants to put me on Accutane because nothing else seems to make a dent in my lousy skin. Adult acne, as I understand it, is the tuberculosis of our generation -- brought on by environmental toxicity and increased stress levels in our society, it's kind of the new "1 in 5 people have it." However, I keep reading that Accutane may cause depression, nay even suicidal tendencies. Despite the dubiousness of FDA precautionary warnings, even just reading about this made me go into a week-long anxiety attack, so I think actually taking the stuff might be a bad idea, even though I took it in my early 20s and was no more depressed than usual. I just don't trust my brain. I can't drink a teaspoon of caffeine, can't even have a lot of sugar, can't get very buzzed on alcohol. Apparently, body and mind wish to be "healthy." Whatever. Stupid body and mind.


I had this nihilist friend once who simplified every problem in one's life to their fear of mortality. Of disappearing, of the Void. I suppose I am victim of this same fear, although less of a physical death than a mental one - that I could still go walking and talking through this life, vaguely aware that the hopes and dreams and joys of Erin are out of reach, that a thick layer of static lies between me and navigating successfully through this world. That people will shy away from me as I twitch and shuffle in my bathrobe, a ruined mind clinging to the bars of my windows. Once so full of strength and humor and charm and intelligence - I will roam the ravaged avenues of my affliction, weeping for something I cannot remember having in the first place.

Then again, maybe I just think too much.

personality test was wrong but the pig was fun

Man at Thai restaurant where we ate tonight: "Hi, can you seat us in a warm spot? Where's the warmest spot in here?"

Sometimes all it takes is a well-timed look between friends across a table and you're spitting Tom Ka soup everywhere....

Stories From The Sushi Bar:

a woman with a big Greek man named Credos confided in me that her ex-husband was sitting at the bar, waiting for a table and she was hoping to god he wouldn't be seated next to her and her date. The Greek explained, in an accent dripping with olive oil: "He think I the reason for divorce. I complete innocent, of course!" Then he saluted me and downed his Sapporo. I told them not to worry about a thing, then went to the hostesses, who of course were titillated to have any sort of drama to interrupt the banality of seating people and avoiding the hostile stares of the 2-hour wait list. They seated him across the restaurant. Tip = 30%

My dream last night:

I was, again, one of only a few people left alive in the world - the details of what had happened are unclear, as is where we were. I thought of Guatemala for some reason. But I and a few other people went outside of this building, where other chapters of the dream had happened, and all of the sudden, it began to rain - cold rain falling out of the night sky. I was at first upset, but then I decided to dance around in it, letting myself get drenched. But the ground became very slippery and I was sliding around on it. My companion - some tall guy whose identity is a mystery - said "Race ya!" and started skating around the building on the wet ground. So I took off, skating as fast as I could, spinning, leaning - and no matter how hard I leaned or how fast I took a turn, I would not fall, because the rain and wind kept me upright. I felt free and fast and totally limitless. it was the best feeling I've ever had. Then the rain stopped and we were disappointed, but I saw more clouds coming and I said "It'll be back."

Server Pet Peeve Corner:

Please don't ever do this to your server:
I was cocktailing last night and went to a noisy group of people, asked if anyone wanted drinks. While the others ignored me, only one girl asked me for something. Most of us would have nudged our companions, Hey, what do you want to drink?, but there you have it. Anyway, the others looked up for a second and saw me, so I assumed they just didnt want anything. Hell, I'm not going to nag - this isn't preschool, you fuckers.
I run around, putting the order in, bussing some stuff, pick up my drinks from the bar, get grabbed by a half dozen other people and finally drop off the drink with the girl, at which point, the other members of the group suddenly wake the fuck up and go "Oh, can I have a beer? And I'll have a wine. And some of those little soybean thingies? Thanks."

ORDER ALL AT ONCE. I HAVE 50 OTHER PEOPLE TO SEE BESIDES YOU. IF YOUR GROUP IS TOO ABSORBED IN ITS BORING FUCKING GOSSIP AND LAME JOKES TO SEE THE SERVER, THEN HOW ABOUT YOU HAVE THE COURTESY TO GRAB THEIR ATTENTION FOR ME? YEAH, THANKS.

Sounds I Hate:

My dog chewing on her butt in the middle of the night
A mosquito in my ear
The way my voice sounds when I talk and cry at the same time
The clinking of my bedroom ceiling fan when it's turned all the way up
The beeping of a backing up truck
Hair cells dying in my ears
My dog smacking her lips when she sleeps
Aerobics instructors

Me and You and Everyone We Know. I have never felt so unalone in my life.

first night on the floor at new restaurant job - made an undisclosed amount of money (undisclosed because I don't want you thieving bastards to come to my house and take it), but will just say it was more than I've ever made before.

after 8 weeks of unemployment, having cash is like the second-grader who put you in a jar finally remembering to poke holes in the lid.

it wasn't that i was lazy, mind you, it's that i was holding out for the job i knew i would get from the day i moved here, when i was lost in my rental car late at night and saw its modern-simple uplit sign like a beacon of class and painful hipness.... i said "that's where i want to be" and though it's taken me 7 months of distractions in office jobs and idle self-pity, i have arrived. it has vibe, my friends, pure vibe and the people rule. and a future - we are talking about management opportunities. could it be the Seagull has found a home at last?

in other news, i have absolutely no time to see anyone or do anything, which is fine by me, as my priorities remain: writing my novel, making money and staying on top of the reading list for school. oh, and this is a big one - probably #1 - letting the people i love know i love them and being present for them whenever they should need me. Awww, I'm so fucking RAD.

this post bores me. i will now cleanse myself in the waters of lake minnetonka.

Four straight days of music and my brain is Jell-o, not to mention all the crap I let go to hell around the house since this thing started on Wednesday.
So, here's a truncated but hopefully helpful guide to the best music I caught at SXSW and that you should check out:

Asobi Seksu - from NY. Japanese for "playful sex." She sings high and delicate vocals over thrashing distortion from guitar and her spacey organ, kept together with a gut-massaging bass and percussion. Album songs are more distinct than live set, where everything kind of runs into each other, but live is worth it cause when they wail, you feel like you're being launched into outer space. Check out "Walk on the Moon."

Nada Surf - from NY. These guys have been the cool older brothers on the scene for around 10 years and it shows. They are real pros - funny and kind, bantering between songs and showing genuine appreciation for their audience - something many ill-mannered indie kids could learn from, what with their David Bowie-wannabe posturing and oversized sunglasses (I'm talking about you, Metric). The 3-man band played an acoustic set of lovely melodies reminding me of Grand Poobah Elliott Smith, profound and funny lyrics and Beatles-esque harmonies. Check out Fruit Flies and Bad Best Friend. Well, anything really.

Dawn Landes - from NY. I am the first to roll my eyes at the girl-with-guitar phenom, but Dawn brings something different to the table. Flavored by the Appalachians and the street, she's like if Loretta Lynn and PJ Harvey had a jam session.

The Brokedown - from Los Angeles. One of my favorite SXSW discoveries. These guys not only put on a great show, they have a Wurlitzer, which qualifies them for Top Ten Bands of SXSW That Incorporates a Keyboard. Catchy hooks and a wide range of influences - the Rolling Stones guitar licks and Beatlesesque (that's 2) harmonies are consistent, even though every song is (thank god) distinct. And they're cute, so they'll go far. Check out the classic rock-inspired "Down in the Valley" and riff-rageous, hard and sweet "Shifty." Again, anything. And they're in LA, so go see em, you bastards.

Of Montreal - Athens, GA. I saw them on the street and made mistake of trying to assess their sound for them. They were annoyed when I said I appreciated the early 60s Brit-pop influences such as The Hollies, and even more annoyed when I suggested that, due to Violent Femmes/ Dead Milkmen overtones, they do a Talking Heads duet with Clap Your Hands. Then I told them I was the reigning Ms Pac Man champion in Athens, GA and we parted amicably. Another winner in the Best Bands with a Keyboard at SXSW raffle, especially for launching into Europe's "The Final Countdown". God bless!

Bravo Silva - another cute band. Lead singer reminds me of a way handsome Thom Yorke. See them live. Cant remember any songs. Ubiquitous Keyboard! Very skilled musicians and good showmen. Horn section! I drank too much.

Elefant - Buy the last album. Don't know about the new one yet, but the last one is definitely a favorite. You might recognize "Into It" from Indio 103.1 or something. Fuck I miss that station. Very catchy songs, kind of a new-wave influence in their rock-popness. Like a less-hyper The Killers or Hot Hot Heat with a Strokes vocal. But they stand on their own.

Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah! - i have such a crush on this band. And it's not only because the intense-eyed singer who sounds like David Byrne was making eye contact with me during set. Nay friends, it is because they hands-down, balls to the wall kick ASS. Think Talking Heads' odd Tourette's Syndrome music-meets Arcade Fire's joy-meets ... ah fuck it. Just check out "Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood." RIGHT EFFING NOW.

The Motels - They do still have it, yes. New songs hearken back to the New Wave-inspired easy listening we know from Only the Lonely and Suddenly Last Summer, but rocksier. Martha's still got her chops, y'all.

Princess Superstar - Hip-hop/punk performance artist. Cunning use of sexuality sparks audience debate between ironic feminist stance (she dresses as a cheerleader, dominatrix, starlet, and heiress) and good old fashioned "whoring it up." Very entertaining and empowering, yes. I must say I felt rather empowered.

Hot Chip - One of my favorite new bands. Think Beta Band drinking Devo's coffee - electronic and catchy. Check out "Playboy" and -- well, shit, anything.

The Ark - I dont know what to say. It's appropriate that their name is found in The Darkness, since this Swedish band has taken the glam rock-iconography bit and run with it, too. If you ever get the chance to see them, do. You will not regret it, especially when lead singer proclaims he has written the best song in the world and then proceeds to get naked for you. Very funny, and the music was quite good. I just dont remember any of it. Whats my name?

The Go! Team - Very tired now, It's 3:15. Would ike to fall asleep so can get this Brokedown song out of my head. Shit. Early Blondie rapping over Blur. There you have it. Good stuff. Good night.

BRINGS TO MEANING TO THE PHRASE "GIVE HIM THE GOAT"

Save my balls!

The 76 ball has been a part of our histories since we were kids - don't let those boring bastards at Conoco Phillips replace the iconic spinning orange ball with those crappy flat red signs. Goddammit, people, it's time to fiight for the American way, the right to orange balls, and such.

the internet has been instrumental in my self-actualization. and in learning the lyrics to "another one bites the dust." i love living the 21st century.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=robot+penises

Get your own spectral analysis from Area 23®

It is 45 degrees outside, so today I have opened my 2 big memory trunks .... what I find in there illustrates my life; what I have chosen to keep illustrates who I am.

Some things horded all these years:

Small, silver menorrah my first serious boyfriend's parents gave me for Hannukah in our 2nd year together. It has flowers on it. I told them I wanted to convert.

Best Performance award for my turn in Neil Simon's Fools! junior year in high school

Book I wrote in first grade, The Mouse, The Girl and E.T.... Covered, bound and dedicated to my mother.

8 Garbage Pail Kid cards -- 1st edition! Includes Mona Loser and Glandular Angela !!

My dress and shoes from 1st birthday - they still fit! My arm.

High School Graduation cap / college graduation cap and gown

Extensive collection of moose paraphernalia

Address books from elementary school - oooh! oooh! should I call Robbie Rodgers?

the original (disintegrating) vinyl ET doll

Dollls: Annie and Molly, Strawberry Shortcake and the Purple Pie Man and the creepy girlfriend he had with the grapes on her dress... Crystal Barbie and Peaches & Cream Barbie, and 2 random 80s Barbies I totally punked out.

My mom's first stuffed animals

My high school letter in Drama -- yes, you could letter in Drama

21 journals - from age 8 on

Shoeboxes of letters from friends

A collection of poems my 9th grade boyfriend sent me -- in pencil. Featuring such classics as "Saddam Hussein: Pyscho [sic] Man From Hell"

a bag of childhood clothes and jewelry far too 80s to part with: neon yellow socks anyone? Splatter-painted blouse? Compact Disc earrings?

Spelling Bee regional finalist award

The Guest Book and sympathy cards from my mom's funeral service

A lock of her hair given by the funeral home

issues of Rolling Stones featuring Radiohead, REM / People magazine from New Years 2000

A folder of notes from friends in high school - hole-punched and indexed by name

A diagram I drew of my five-year plan when I was 22.

my pre-LASIK eyeglasses

my fuzzy sticker collection

old resumes and headshots

all my friend George's poetry he wrote in high school - it's really good and I plan to publish it post humuously and make millions.

the script of the first play I was ever in in 7th grade

report cards, papers written, test scores from 1st grade on

mix tapes made for me by friends

yearbooks and class photos from kindergarten through high school


Some days I pray for a fire. I'm terrible at letting things go.

Tooth mystery solved! Huzzah, genius dentist lady who removed one of my fillings and replaced it, declaring the job "botched" by my previous dentist in California.
Ice cream, here I come!

not going to vegas after all. political stuff. no sweat.

have to start seriously working on my memoir again, so i went into The Closet of Forgetfulness. literally. i pulled out the box of photos, documents, my mother's journals, newspaper clippings - trying to reimmerse myself in the period it was all happening in hopes of unearthing the truth of how i felt and the little glimmers of events and words now dangerously close to being obliterated by time.

survival instinct is a funny thing: as i go through these things and read and cry and shake my head and feel, my brain jumps around like a caffeinated monkey: you have to clean the house for company tonight! you have things to fax! dry cleaning to pick up! you haven't eaten yet today! you havent even brushed your teeth and showered! get up! you have to work out at 4:30! turn on some music!

i am not afraid to have these feelings, you see. i swear i am not - anyone who knows me well will tell you. it's just that my mind is wired - since i was a kid - to say "how productive is this, really?" it literally wants to keep me running forward, will not let me slow down, thinks maybe if i stop moving forward, that i will fall. i won't fall, i know that today. some days i do not know it.

i put on one of my mom's favorite songs, which i put on her funeral CD: jimmy cliff. "many rivers to cross."

ah yes, now i am disarmed.

It is impossible to be in a bad mood while listening to:

Charlatans UK - The Only One I Know

Now you go!

MATH


1) Head-on collision + 1-lb. burrito from Taco Shack = an afternoon spent using Q-tips to dig beans and cheese out of steering wheel column and air vents.

2) $1500 grant from non-profit used to work at (x) / number of days of work will miss because of mom's murder trial (y) = $150 per day

Now solve if y is unknown because trial may be continued for a fifth time.

3) where a = number of blessings, b = number of curses, and c= overall fortitude, solve for c:

(Manic x a) + (Depressive x b) / Obsessive determination not to fall down = c

4) 4 serious boyfriends and 3 broken hearts, what is the likelihood of the next relationship ending in severe pain and disappointment?
(Hint: 4x3x2x1 = 24 / 3x2x1 = 6 so, 4:1)

5) 7 months of severe agony in teeth - 0 dentists able to pinpoint why = drinking cold beverages with a straw for the rest of my life (exclusions: Sensodyne)

6) x/y = how well I am dealing with my mom's death
where x = the story as I understand it, and y = my ability to make sense of it in the greater scheme of things, solve if x keeps changing because of previously unknown forensic conclusions and hearsay.

7) things I have to be thankful for - things that suck x PMS = 0

VERBAL
Choose the word that fits best

1) The new Cat Power album, The Greatest is:
a) hard to listen to right now
b) haunting and lovely
c) their best yet
d) a and b, and in many ways, c, although I really prefer the jaunty raw power of You Are Free

2) I have been given the opportunity to __________ in Vegas for a week, all expenses paid, Feb 18-23rd.
a) screw around and gamble
b) open for Carrot Top
c) work at my ex-company's convention
d) fight crime

Analogies:

3) Avoidance : Working on memoir this semester
a) Instructor : Kicking my ass for pussing out and writing a story about a sexually-confused teenaged boy instead
b) Trauma : Remembering the past
c) Confusion : How to even begin to tell strangers about my mother, our relationship and what her death was like and why that's important to them
d) Sausage: Delicious

4) New tattoo : Shamrock
a) Erin : "Ireland"
b) Austin : Magnificent
c) Favorite painting : Judith & The Maidservant with the head of Holofermes
d) You better look out for : love!


Everyone passes. Everyone fails. Ah, life! My arms outstretched to you.