erin go bragh

i no longer exist. look, the pressure to be present on myspace and in real life is too great, so i am leaving the ole livejournal. besides, i am spending too much energy blogging instead of writing my stories and we both know which one is going to lead to lasting admiration in the literary community:

neither!

so suck it.

seriously all, it's been fun. tah and such. you know where to find me.

6:45 am - they started jackhammering outside my fucking door. as much as i hate the oc for all its head-up-its-ass ignorance about what the rest of the world goes through, at least they dont wake up all the rich, fat residents before 8 with construction - and even that is rare.

i do however notice a distinct lack of the fucking awful gas-powered leaf blowers that everyone felt the need to run at the crack of dawn out there....that's nice...

today went and worked out - first time all week - and afterward felt like riding bike around neighborhood. i love my neighborhood so much. there was a storm the other night and because we have trees coming out our asses, there are branches - whole big branches covered in bright green leaves - all over the streets. the other night, one such branch went through scott's rear windshield and shattered it completely. well, living in natural beauty has its ups and downs.... in orange coutny, they would have chopped all the trees down for offending mercedes benzes with droppings.

so anyway, after i got home and took a shower, i made myself a tuna melt and danced around and was cheerful. cheerful! i started to worry that i might be manic - the other day i could barely get out of bed i was so tired. then again, maybe it's just infrequent exercise that's to blame.

new experiment to see if i am bipolar or not:
will spend next two weeks doing at least 30 minutes of exercise a day: walking or biking around the neighborhood, work out at the gym, etc. and we'll see what my mood does. it's fun but exhausting having a different mood every damn day.

wish i could just enjoy feeling good and not worry if it means i am crazy. sigh, grin....

I've decided to speak entirely in italics today, except when I write. I will write in standard.
Have had a rocky two weeks - or maybe one week, I can't tell how long i am suffering. Days? Weeks? Years? Very anxiety-laden, for unknown reasons will likely hash out in therapy Thursday. Still get the inkling it is purely chemical - I can only tell because my sanity feels like an apple on top of a pin, which is wobbly at best - a stiff breeze would send me to the inpatient mental facility down the street. I am but mad when the wind blows north by northwest. And all that. If it's circumstantial I can usually control it and am fine the next day.

In Funny Fobias news, Bouncing ball phobia has relaxed considerably since moving to Austin, but has been heartily replaced by a pill phobia. I am afraid of even vitamins, let alone all those dubious herbal remedies people are always popping. Which frustrates me to no end when people say "oh you can totally alleviate your anxiety with Evening Primrose Oil or Eye of Newt or whatever -- and I'm thinking, "yes, or it could push me completely over the edge and I could disappear completely."

Thus the current conundrun: my dermatologist wants to put me on Accutane because nothing else seems to make a dent in my lousy skin. Adult acne, as I understand it, is the tuberculosis of our generation -- brought on by environmental toxicity and increased stress levels in our society, it's kind of the new "1 in 5 people have it." However, I keep reading that Accutane may cause depression, nay even suicidal tendencies. Despite the dubiousness of FDA precautionary warnings, even just reading about this made me go into a week-long anxiety attack, so I think actually taking the stuff might be a bad idea, even though I took it in my early 20s and was no more depressed than usual. I just don't trust my brain. I can't drink a teaspoon of caffeine, can't even have a lot of sugar, can't get very buzzed on alcohol. Apparently, body and mind wish to be "healthy." Whatever. Stupid body and mind.


I had this nihilist friend once who simplified every problem in one's life to their fear of mortality. Of disappearing, of the Void. I suppose I am victim of this same fear, although less of a physical death than a mental one - that I could still go walking and talking through this life, vaguely aware that the hopes and dreams and joys of Erin are out of reach, that a thick layer of static lies between me and navigating successfully through this world. That people will shy away from me as I twitch and shuffle in my bathrobe, a ruined mind clinging to the bars of my windows. Once so full of strength and humor and charm and intelligence - I will roam the ravaged avenues of my affliction, weeping for something I cannot remember having in the first place.

Then again, maybe I just think too much.

personality test was wrong but the pig was fun

Man at Thai restaurant where we ate tonight: "Hi, can you seat us in a warm spot? Where's the warmest spot in here?"

Sometimes all it takes is a well-timed look between friends across a table and you're spitting Tom Ka soup everywhere....

Stories From The Sushi Bar:

a woman with a big Greek man named Credos confided in me that her ex-husband was sitting at the bar, waiting for a table and she was hoping to god he wouldn't be seated next to her and her date. The Greek explained, in an accent dripping with olive oil: "He think I the reason for divorce. I complete innocent, of course!" Then he saluted me and downed his Sapporo. I told them not to worry about a thing, then went to the hostesses, who of course were titillated to have any sort of drama to interrupt the banality of seating people and avoiding the hostile stares of the 2-hour wait list. They seated him across the restaurant. Tip = 30%

My dream last night:

I was, again, one of only a few people left alive in the world - the details of what had happened are unclear, as is where we were. I thought of Guatemala for some reason. But I and a few other people went outside of this building, where other chapters of the dream had happened, and all of the sudden, it began to rain - cold rain falling out of the night sky. I was at first upset, but then I decided to dance around in it, letting myself get drenched. But the ground became very slippery and I was sliding around on it. My companion - some tall guy whose identity is a mystery - said "Race ya!" and started skating around the building on the wet ground. So I took off, skating as fast as I could, spinning, leaning - and no matter how hard I leaned or how fast I took a turn, I would not fall, because the rain and wind kept me upright. I felt free and fast and totally limitless. it was the best feeling I've ever had. Then the rain stopped and we were disappointed, but I saw more clouds coming and I said "It'll be back."

Server Pet Peeve Corner:

Please don't ever do this to your server:
I was cocktailing last night and went to a noisy group of people, asked if anyone wanted drinks. While the others ignored me, only one girl asked me for something. Most of us would have nudged our companions, Hey, what do you want to drink?, but there you have it. Anyway, the others looked up for a second and saw me, so I assumed they just didnt want anything. Hell, I'm not going to nag - this isn't preschool, you fuckers.
I run around, putting the order in, bussing some stuff, pick up my drinks from the bar, get grabbed by a half dozen other people and finally drop off the drink with the girl, at which point, the other members of the group suddenly wake the fuck up and go "Oh, can I have a beer? And I'll have a wine. And some of those little soybean thingies? Thanks."

ORDER ALL AT ONCE. I HAVE 50 OTHER PEOPLE TO SEE BESIDES YOU. IF YOUR GROUP IS TOO ABSORBED IN ITS BORING FUCKING GOSSIP AND LAME JOKES TO SEE THE SERVER, THEN HOW ABOUT YOU HAVE THE COURTESY TO GRAB THEIR ATTENTION FOR ME? YEAH, THANKS.

Sounds I Hate:

My dog chewing on her butt in the middle of the night
A mosquito in my ear
The way my voice sounds when I talk and cry at the same time
The clinking of my bedroom ceiling fan when it's turned all the way up
The beeping of a backing up truck
Hair cells dying in my ears
My dog smacking her lips when she sleeps
Aerobics instructors

Me and You and Everyone We Know. I have never felt so unalone in my life.

first night on the floor at new restaurant job - made an undisclosed amount of money (undisclosed because I don't want you thieving bastards to come to my house and take it), but will just say it was more than I've ever made before.

after 8 weeks of unemployment, having cash is like the second-grader who put you in a jar finally remembering to poke holes in the lid.

it wasn't that i was lazy, mind you, it's that i was holding out for the job i knew i would get from the day i moved here, when i was lost in my rental car late at night and saw its modern-simple uplit sign like a beacon of class and painful hipness.... i said "that's where i want to be" and though it's taken me 7 months of distractions in office jobs and idle self-pity, i have arrived. it has vibe, my friends, pure vibe and the people rule. and a future - we are talking about management opportunities. could it be the Seagull has found a home at last?

in other news, i have absolutely no time to see anyone or do anything, which is fine by me, as my priorities remain: writing my novel, making money and staying on top of the reading list for school. oh, and this is a big one - probably #1 - letting the people i love know i love them and being present for them whenever they should need me. Awww, I'm so fucking RAD.

this post bores me. i will now cleanse myself in the waters of lake minnetonka.